“$h*!-hole!” The Day I Cussed at My Parents

The President said some bad words this week. I said some bad words once…

I was 11. I walked through our front door after school and there was no mistaking that something was about to go down. Both of my parents were sitting on the couch staring at me. They invited me to sit with them and I knew this was not a friendly offer, but rather the beginning of the end. I had no way of predicting that what was about to occur would change the way I spoke forever.

My parents explained that someone (who I will refer to as a tattle-tale) had shared with them the “choice” words I had learned and begun using at school. They claimed to know every obscene word I had spoken and their disappointment was palpable. Then, befell the most humiliating punishment I have ever received. They required that I say out loud every swear word I had ever uttered.

I thought I would throw up.

I had never heard anyone in my home swear. My dad was a pastor of a small home church with strict rules around taking the Lord’s name in vain and my mom is quite literally the most wholesome woman you’ve ever met. I think it’s possible that the only time my mother has used foul language is when she didn’t know it was foul language.  

I cried and cried.

They waited.

After what felt like an eternity I started with things like, “A-hole” and “the S-word.” My dad responded by asking me if I had only used the abbreviated versions or if I had said the whole word? He reminded me that the expectation was to say to them exactly what I had said outside our home. No cheating. They were not about to make this easy on me.

I don’t know how much time passed while I sobbed and choked on the ugly words I had so flippantly used on the 6th grade playground, but I know that in those moments I realized that the people I respected and admired most in my life deserved better than a daughter who resorted to 4-letter words just to fit in at school. I realized that to be true to myself I needed to speak in a way that represented my heart and who I was regardless of my surroundings. I realized there was a reason I could barely cough up these words in front of my parents…because this language was unlovely and they were the most loving people I knew….because this language was base and I held them in high regard…because this language was dishonorable and I wanted nothing more than to honor my parents…because this language brought no beauty, no peace, no joy and I wanted all of those things for my family, my friends, and myself.  

To this day I don’t know how, but I made it through the embarrassing list. My parents forgave me and then, my dad added a lesson that sticks with me today. He said, “If the only way you can describe something is by using profanity, then others might come to conclude that your vocabulary and intelligence are limited.” Such a big dose of truth for a pre-adolescent!

The lesson I learned that day changed the way I spoke.  An expletive didn’t escape my lips for years! At 11 years old I stopped using this language because it didn’t line up with my heart or my parent’s rules. Naturally, as I grew older I also began to see the importance of context and tone. It didn’t take long for me to realize that how I used my words was more important than the words themselves. The truth is that every now and then I break my parent’s rules (sorry mom and dad). In fact I burned my finger on a casserole dish this morning and was relieved that the kids were at school when the physical pain expressed itself through my mouth as an unfiltered exclamation point. However, that sour word I used to describe the pyrex dish is not a word I would use in a context that requires sensitivity and love. Because of that lesson 27 years ago, I strive to hold a standard of language that represents who I am, who I want to be, and what lives in my heart. I strive to use words that emphasize love and beauty. I strive to honor those around me and the Lord I serve. I strive to consider how my words affect those around me. I strive to use words that bring life and build relationship, give respect and bring value, lift up and include. And of course I strive to make my parents proud.    

If an 11 year-old was capable of learning this, certainly the President of the United States could as well?

Unconventional Gratitude

As I was falling asleep last night and thinking of all the traditional things I give thanks for (my health, my work, my family’s health, my kids, my home, my friends, Gods many blessings in my life, etc.) I began to wonder if I could find a spirit of gratitude for the things I usually coin as inconveniences or pain points in my life. I pulled together this quick list (some silly, some serious) of things I wouldn’t have been thankful for at first glance, but that have added value to my life in big and small ways.  

I’m thankful for a messy house

  • We have a home
  • We have healthy children who love to play in said home
  • We have toys for our healthy children to leave scattered around said home

 I’m thankful for all the jobs I didn’t get or that didn’t fit

  • I kept searching and praying until I found a job I loved with people I love even more

 I’m thankful God helped me find a wonderful therapist and the right anti-depressant

  • God gives us tools and I use them. I don’t think much more needs to be said 😊

 I’m thankful for our destructive, loud, shedding, jumpy, dirty Jack Russell Terrier

  • He sniffs out scorpions. That is all. 

 I’m thankful for traffic

  • Traffic allows me more time to listen to my favorite podcasts, which add light to my life

 I’m thankful for President Trump (go with me here)

  • I have pressed into The Lord to find supernatural joy, grace, love, forgiveness, and peace more times this year than I’ve ever done before and my relationship with The Lord has grown tenfold as a result
  • I pray more
  • I’m reminded that I’m not in control
  • I have learned and continue to learn how to have hard conversations with people I love while remaining respectful, kind, and open
  • I have seen women more empowered and I pray this is the beginning of a cultural shift that my son and daughter will benefit from

 I’m thankful that divorce is never the end of God’s plan for love in our lives

  • I am now married to my soulmate and not a day goes by that I don’t consider how blessed I am to have found him
  • I have 2 beautiful children with my soulmate and I cannot imagine life without them

I’m thankful for the lessons God taught me as he delivered me from the cage of crippling fear

  • Freedom isn’t easy but it’s worth it
  • It’s important to share our story because it could plant the seed that encourages others to face their fears with faith and hope
  • A spirit of fear is not from The Lord
  • God can break chains
  • Vulnerability is courage
  • Standing in hope for someone else may be all they have to hold onto

 I’m thankful for the lessons God taught me through debilitating pain and the inability to care for my first child for the first 3 months of his life

  • I am never in control
  • I must humble myself and ask for help when I need it
  • Books, articles, social media, and scientific research do not have all the answers regarding how to raise a child
  • LOVE is the greatest commandment and LOVE saves
  • God is faithful and never leaves me alone
  • There is beauty and blessings to be seen in the most difficult trials
  • Massage is crucial and should be covered by health insurance
  • God will give us the strength to move through what this broken world delivers
  • A meal goes a long way and prayer goes even further
  • Hope can mean the difference between life and death

 I’m thankful for the lessons God taught me through the untimely and unexpected death of my brother

  • Laughter can co-exist with tears and joy can live alongside grief
  • Saying “I love you” prevents regret
  • Again, I’m not in control
  • Again, A meal goes a long way and prayer goes even further
  • Empathy is necessary
  • Reaching out even when I don’t know what to say or do can lead to deep and beautiful friendships 
  • Crying with someone lifts their burdens even if for just a moment
  • Sometimes there are no words and that’s ok
  • Touch gives strength
  • Those who are mourning need us long after everything seems normal

It turns out that there’s more to be grateful for than the obvious and traditional blessings. I pray that the next trial I face (and there will be many) I will be filled with hope as I remember that beauty rises from ashes, character is refined in fire, light chases darkness away, and blessings can be found during and on the other side of every situation no matter how difficult.  

 Happy Thanksgiving (even for the unconventional) Day!!!

Tao of Toddlers

My 2 year old son, Isaac was doing his very best to patiently wait for his cousin Brayden after a basketball game. I use the term “patiently” loosely, as Isaac was running the length of the gym , sliding feet first into the mirrored walls on each side, and then licking said mirrors, all while laughing hysterically. Then, Isaac spied his favorite thing….older kids doing something without him (how dare they!). Isaac is drawn to older kids like a moth to a flame, desiring to do everything they do regardless of how complicated or dangerous the activity might be. An adorable 4 y/o boy and 6 y/o girl were playing a game of tag, and Isaac immediately began his attempt to keep up, running as quickly as his little legs would carry him. He was completely oblivious to the fact that he was being ignored and was in no way a part of their game. It took a few minutes before the older boy finally acknowledged Isaac. This sweet, age-appropriate bossy boy, pointed his finger at my son’s chest and said, “we’re not playing with you. It’s just me and her playing…not you!” I watched from afar as Isaac tried to understand what he was being told. The boy attempted to confirm that Isaac understood the limits he had just set. He stopped pointing his finger and made the fatal mistake of raising both arms, shrugging, and saying, “ok?” This was the moment Isaac decided that a hug was clearly the appropriate response. Isaac gave both kids a big squeeze as if they had just nominated him President of their exclusive “We’re Older and Bigger Than You” club. Within minutes, the hearts of the older kids visibly softened as they began to make room for Isaac in their play. The older boy took Isaac by the hand, guided him to “base” and then taught him how to tag. My sweet son decided that tagging should be hugging instead, which they graciously tolerated. Even when Isaac began tagging his own reflection in the mirror, they laughed with him and then patiently redirected him to their game. By the end of the evening these 3 beautiful children were friends. My heart melted as I watched this loving interaction and I was struck at how 3 young children had innocently illustrated the power of loving-acceptance and kindness. I couldn’t help but think of my own life and the times I have reacted to others in a way that wasn’t at all what I hope to model for my son.

Watching these kiddos taught me:

  1. When we judge, we lose the opportunity to forge a new friendship
  2. We can be forgiven for our misguided behaviors and thoughts
  3. Someone “different” can teach us a new way to play the game of life
  4. Loving someone who has hurt us can heal more than one heart
  5. We must believe we’re worthy before expecting others to believe the same
  6. When we are vulnerable we find ourselves loving others before judging them
  7. It’s easy to love those who are kind to us. It’s courageous to love those who hurt us

I’ve hoped to model for my son a love for others that is fearless and authentic and vulnerable, but as I watched this evening unfold, I realized that these qualities already live and breathe in young children. They don’t need adults to demonstrate these virtues, they need us to foster and protect them, as they face the hurts and disappointments that come with growing older. What I thought was my responsibility to teach my son, was actually a lesson I needed to learn from him.

The next time I’m tempted to judge someone, I’ll think of these 3 children and remain open to experiencing a new (and possibly more joyful) way of approaching life. And, the next time someone tells me that I don’t belong, I’ll remember that the most appropriate response is to love them anyway!